Here it is, the big deployment day. The day I have been not been looking forward to for the longest time. I have been alone now for about an hour, in an empty house, looking at everything he has left for me to clean up. However, instead of wanting to clean up what he left behind, I just want to keep everything in it's place for now. What I should be doing right now is studying for a gastrointestinal test I have tomorrow at school, but my mind can't concentrate on anything. I feel flustered. My heart feels empty. Right now I feel like how in the world am I going to make it through this deployment; how are people so strong; where do you find that type of strength because right now I really need it. Everyone says it gets easier with time, but right now I feel like there is no end in site. I feel like my heart has been ripped from me. My soul-mate, best friend, and the love of my life is gone.
Watching someone you love so much walk away knowing you won't be able to hold them for quite a while is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's even harder knowing that he might miss the birth of his son (anything can happen as we have all learned from this long exerience). I want this pain to end. I want this year to pass and my husband be back in my arms again.
I know that there are so many people that are around me that will support me. However, I am sleeping along at night (well besides Lexi). I won't sleep in the same bed with Kelly for maybe six months (depending on R&R). It's easy during the day because I am around people that love and care for me but when I come home and the night approaches, that's when my saddness comes around. That's when I will wait for him to walk through the door asking about dinner but he never will. I won't wake up next to him and tell him about my dreams. Being in this house without him makes me feel empty and alone.
I have to be strong for him though. I will be strong for him. I know that he will come home to me soon but getting there is going to be the hard part. We will see if the days get better for me. As of right now, they just seem long and lonely.
Celia, I wish I could just give you the biggest hug right now. I felt like I was tossed back in time, to the day that Brett left for his deployment, while reading that. I felt the same way that you do. I didn't want to clean the mess he left behind and my heart felt like it was going to burst when I thought about how long it would be until we were together again. I didn't get a good night of sleep during the 14 months that he was gone. I remember that pain so clearly still. I feel so sorry for you right now. I know that you are hurting, but you will find that strength deep down inside of you and when this terrible deployment is over you will come out of this experience a stronger person because of it.
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