The days seem to be much better for me when I am around people. Yesterday I had to make up some clinical hours at the hospital and I came home about 1. I took a nap, had a dream that I wanted to tell Kelly about but then I realized I couldn't just pick the phone up and tell him or wait for him to come home for dinner. I started to get sad again. Today I haven't even gotten outta bed really. I went to get some lunch but then just layed back down. I have a lot of studying to do for school but I feel as though I am too sad inside to do anything. I just want to hear from him again.
I haven't heard from Kelly in a couple of days now. It sucks, I will be honest. I just want to hear his voice and know he is ok. I heard the best quote on a show I watch called Army Wives. The quote is "We all worry about our deployed soldiers but there isn't a damn thing we can do about it." That is such the truth. I can't help but worry constantly. I can't help but think about the worst when I know I shouldn't. My heart is just missing right now because it's with Kelly on the other side of the world :(
I just need to get to Memphis with my family and friends. I need to be around people instead of sitting in my house all day just letting my mind wonder. I just want this deployment to be OVER.
On the plus side....133 days till Bryson :D
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Day 3
Today has been much better. I have heard from Kelly a lot! Hearing his voice puts such a smile on my face! Everytime I talk to him it's like I get this wonderful happiness that takes over my heart! He makes me so happy and I love him so very much!
Last night I ordered some pizza, stuffed my face with it, watched some TV and just layed in bed all night long. Then I heard from Kelly and my tears never came. I just love hearing his voice!
Bryson is calm today. Maybe he knows that I am not upset today. He was active and kicking me yesterday all day long. I think he was doing it because he knows I get so happy when I feel him move around! Between Bryson and Kelly, my heart is going to burst with love!
Today is just a boring and lazy day really. Not much to really talk about haha....I guess the blogs are better when I am having a bad day...kidding! I love writing about my happiness. Well till the next time....
I LOVE YOU KELLY!!!!!!
Last night I ordered some pizza, stuffed my face with it, watched some TV and just layed in bed all night long. Then I heard from Kelly and my tears never came. I just love hearing his voice!
Bryson is calm today. Maybe he knows that I am not upset today. He was active and kicking me yesterday all day long. I think he was doing it because he knows I get so happy when I feel him move around! Between Bryson and Kelly, my heart is going to burst with love!
Today is just a boring and lazy day really. Not much to really talk about haha....I guess the blogs are better when I am having a bad day...kidding! I love writing about my happiness. Well till the next time....
I LOVE YOU KELLY!!!!!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day 2
Well I made it through the night without him. It wasn't the best night I have ever had to sleep. I had to study extra late for my test today. I loved hearing his voice before he left though. It really put my mind at ease a little so I could concentrate just a bit. Today I woke up sad. I woke up missing him so much already. I kept looking around at my house at how he left things. Maybe cleaning it up will help with the pain a little? Who knows. Right now I still feel empty.
I ended up not doing so good on my test today. Considering the crazy week I have had with saying goodbye to him multiple times only to find out he wasn't leaving yet. I only missed it by a couple which is a lot better than I thought I would do. I will do better on the next one when things have calmed down a bit. My mind just isn't in it right now, it's with my Kelly.
Let me tell you this though, there are some amazing people in my life. The people I go to school with are right there for me for any comfort that I need. I didn't even think that I would be able to break a smile today but these people made me laugh. They did put a smile on my face and made me think that yes life does go on and YES I will be ok. The days will get easier. Now that doesn't mean I will miss him any less, it just means that I am coping with him being gone.
Bryson was moving around a lot today :) I still can't feel him kick on the outside but I feel him on the inside! I can't wait to meet him!
Tonight I have decided to let it all out. That means junk food, coke, pizza, and girly movies....I need to cry it out. I have kept it in to be strong but sometimes you just have to let it out. So that's my plan tonight.
Till tomorrow...
I ended up not doing so good on my test today. Considering the crazy week I have had with saying goodbye to him multiple times only to find out he wasn't leaving yet. I only missed it by a couple which is a lot better than I thought I would do. I will do better on the next one when things have calmed down a bit. My mind just isn't in it right now, it's with my Kelly.
Let me tell you this though, there are some amazing people in my life. The people I go to school with are right there for me for any comfort that I need. I didn't even think that I would be able to break a smile today but these people made me laugh. They did put a smile on my face and made me think that yes life does go on and YES I will be ok. The days will get easier. Now that doesn't mean I will miss him any less, it just means that I am coping with him being gone.
Bryson was moving around a lot today :) I still can't feel him kick on the outside but I feel him on the inside! I can't wait to meet him!
Tonight I have decided to let it all out. That means junk food, coke, pizza, and girly movies....I need to cry it out. I have kept it in to be strong but sometimes you just have to let it out. So that's my plan tonight.
Till tomorrow...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Day 1
Here it is, the big deployment day. The day I have been not been looking forward to for the longest time. I have been alone now for about an hour, in an empty house, looking at everything he has left for me to clean up. However, instead of wanting to clean up what he left behind, I just want to keep everything in it's place for now. What I should be doing right now is studying for a gastrointestinal test I have tomorrow at school, but my mind can't concentrate on anything. I feel flustered. My heart feels empty. Right now I feel like how in the world am I going to make it through this deployment; how are people so strong; where do you find that type of strength because right now I really need it. Everyone says it gets easier with time, but right now I feel like there is no end in site. I feel like my heart has been ripped from me. My soul-mate, best friend, and the love of my life is gone.
Watching someone you love so much walk away knowing you won't be able to hold them for quite a while is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's even harder knowing that he might miss the birth of his son (anything can happen as we have all learned from this long exerience). I want this pain to end. I want this year to pass and my husband be back in my arms again.
I know that there are so many people that are around me that will support me. However, I am sleeping along at night (well besides Lexi). I won't sleep in the same bed with Kelly for maybe six months (depending on R&R). It's easy during the day because I am around people that love and care for me but when I come home and the night approaches, that's when my saddness comes around. That's when I will wait for him to walk through the door asking about dinner but he never will. I won't wake up next to him and tell him about my dreams. Being in this house without him makes me feel empty and alone.
I have to be strong for him though. I will be strong for him. I know that he will come home to me soon but getting there is going to be the hard part. We will see if the days get better for me. As of right now, they just seem long and lonely.
Watching someone you love so much walk away knowing you won't be able to hold them for quite a while is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's even harder knowing that he might miss the birth of his son (anything can happen as we have all learned from this long exerience). I want this pain to end. I want this year to pass and my husband be back in my arms again.
I know that there are so many people that are around me that will support me. However, I am sleeping along at night (well besides Lexi). I won't sleep in the same bed with Kelly for maybe six months (depending on R&R). It's easy during the day because I am around people that love and care for me but when I come home and the night approaches, that's when my saddness comes around. That's when I will wait for him to walk through the door asking about dinner but he never will. I won't wake up next to him and tell him about my dreams. Being in this house without him makes me feel empty and alone.
I have to be strong for him though. I will be strong for him. I know that he will come home to me soon but getting there is going to be the hard part. We will see if the days get better for me. As of right now, they just seem long and lonely.
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